The Dating App Virgin

Girls, let’s talk about guys. Let’s talk about guys and dating. How about guys and dating and apps and us!?

Here we go. In this day and age, men and women alike are hunched over on their phones waiting to ‘swipe right’ into having a relationship (or just sex-hey! everyone has different needs!) and a new dating app is created everyday in hopes of matching like minded lovers. After reading some statistics recently, I have learned that the percentage of marriages resulting from people meeting on dating apps is astoundingly high. So, I can understand the intrigue of hopping onto this love wagon to find your one, true soulmate.

So here’s my story. Over a year ago before I met my (now ex) boyfriend, I was convinced by my younger girlfriends to join Hinge, a dating app that connects you through mutual friends or degree connections on Facebook. Since I have always pretty much been in relationships, I was super hesitant to put myself out there in that way. I was the “dating app virgin.” I can remember the questions that ran through my head, clearly similar to what other “beginner app girls” would have.

1. A profile filled with photos? Ugh which pics make my boobs look bigger, my smile the whitest, my waist the smallest, and my eyes the largest? Like I want doughy, sexy eyes, not like bedroom eyes (those come out on the second date). I want to look fun and funny and cool, and like chill and cool and fun, not like those girls who are holding rosé in bikinis (lol, just kidding! I posted that to my instagram last weekend! wink). I don’t have a dog or a baby. Should I borrow one or both from friends? Guys can totally see that I am sweet and sensitive. Should I do a natural selfie, or like a makeup selfie, or a full body, tight dress shot? What if he’s into brunettes over dirty blondes? Ugh, it’s still summer, I am def not going brunette anytime soon. And besides, I love my hair color. Ew never going brunette again. F him if he doesn’t like me for who I am. Sigh. But I really want him to like me.

2. They can read a bio? As if this process isn’t already scary enough, if you choose to write a little bit about yourself, this is like a teeny window into your soul. And not like a Louboutin SOLE, I mean SOUL. SO much more important. Um, I literally can’t believe I just said that. Should I write what I love to do? That I love to laugh? Ugh Linds, you are so cheesy sometimes. Should I just be myself and be sweet? Write what comes to mind? LOOKING FOR MINDBLOWING LOVE, ARE YOU THE ONE!?!? I BET YOU I AM!…..NO really ARE YOUOUUUU!!??!?!?*%*%*!!???!?!

3. They can stalk the friends we have in common about me before actually meeting me? Absolutely NOT okay! What if we have a weird friend in common who I like made out with in college, or worse, high school? Ugh, that was such an awkward phase for me. I pray to God it’s not a random person. But if it’s one of my BFFs who’s like my sister, then ew bitch, why didn’t you set us up earlier?

4. Do I look desperate? Duh, obv I’m not! Hashtag I am special and my parents tell me so. And besides…dating apps are the new black. You can meet the love of your life. Ok, fine. Done! I am so excited for love!!! So not desperate.

5. What if guys I know see my profile? Omg how funny would that be? To see my guy friend’s profiles? Would they swipe right or left to my profile popping up? Aw, I would love to see the pics they chose to post. So cute. What if I am in one? Wait, this just got weird. Does he love me? Shadily? Is he “the one”? Wait, I love Josh! That would be my total Clueless moment.

So once you made the perfect profile (and that was totally a walk in the park), you are on your way to finding love. Since my first hinge experience and since my breakup a couple months ago, I remember mentioning to my girlfriends that, “ugh I guess I’m back in the game, I have to go back on Hinge.” They stared at me in disgust. I can remember it like yesterday, “Only hinge? Now you need Hapn, Bumble, J Swipe, Tinder, and The League. You’ll be great (insert thumbs up)!” Awesome, I can’t wait to make my profile.

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